Sunday, January 21, 2007

Application for grant of Australian citizenship

Somebody emailed me this. I'll give it a try......

You must answer 75% (28 or more out of 37) of these questions correctly in order to qualify for Australian Citizenship:

1. How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Falcon Ute while also allowing room for your cattle dog? Well, of course that depends whether the ute has a canopy, in which case you can stack 'em 3 or 4 high without them tipping over the sides.

2. When packing an Esky do you put the ice, or the beer, in first? Pfft. Give me a hard one. The beer, of course. You'll never get it in there once you put the ice in.

3. Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner:
a) At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a pudding you could use as a cannonball. Also ham. In 40C heat.
b) A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze. And ham. In 40C heat.
c) Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime. Weather continues fine.
Any of the above are perfectly acceptable.

4. How many beers in a slab?
Duh! 24

5. You call that a knife, this is a knife.
True or False?
Um...

6. Does "yeah-nah" mean
a) "Yes and no"
b) "Maybe"
c) "Yes I understand but No I don't agree"?
I believe "c". Others may interpret it differently.

7. The phrases "strewth" and "flamin' dingo" can be attributed to which TV character?
a) Toadie from Neighbours
b) Alf from Home & Away
c) Agro from Agro's Cartoon Connection
d) Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers?
OK, this is where I fail. I've never watched any of those shows. Except Cartoon Connection, of course. And I'm sure Agro never said any such things.

8. When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages
a) Once or twice
b) As often as necessary to cook
c) After each stubby
d) Until charcoal?
*sigh* D

9. Name three of the Daddo brothers.
Andrew, Cameron and the other one.

10. Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?
Well, I could say Bon Scott, but of course there was some other guy before him. But he never recorded a song with them, so perhaps he doesn't count. Did I ever mention I saw AC/DC at Festival Hall in 1974(?), supporting Sherbet?

11. Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon:
a) Drinking beer at a mate's place
b) Drinking beer at the beach
c) Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy
d) Drinking beer at a mate's place while watching the cricket before going to the beach?
Well D would be great...apart from the beer. Can I have wine instead?

12. Would you eat pineapple on pizza? Would you eat egg on a pizza?
Blah to both. I'm sure egg on pizza is a guy thing.

13. How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from Australia to England?
Let's see...that's a 24-hour plus trip *thinks*.... at least 17 (he had to sleep sometime)

14. How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana travelling at 120km/h?
Trick question - none. You can't drink if you're driving, silly!

15. Who are Scott and Charlene?
They live 3 houses down, don't they....?

16. How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie?
a) Squirt and spread with finger
b) Sauce injection straight into the middle?
Tomato sauce? Blech.

17. If the police raided your home would you:
a) Allow them to rummage through your personal items
b) Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain
c) Put a written complaint in to John Howard and hope that he answers it personally?
b) of course. But I'd ask to see the warrant first. I've seen enough police shows to know they need one of those things.

18. Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking a yardie full of beer the fastest?
er.... Bob Hawke? Couldn't possibly be John Howard.

19. Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?
Oh dear. Well yeeeees...only it was 1972 and it was called a Dolly cut. Pre-mullet, really.

20. Thongs are:
a) Skimpy underwear
b) Casual footwear
c) They're called jandals, bro?
*snort* There are 4 pairs on the front porch, of course! Footwear. FOOTWEAR.

21. On which Ashes tour did Warney's hair look the best?
a) 1993
b) 1997
c) 2001
d) 2005
Apart from his prodigious bowling skills, I couldn't give a rat's about Warney, so I have no idea.

22. What is someone more likely to die of:
a) Red Back Spider
b) Great White Shark
c) Victorian Police Officer
d) King Brown Snake
e) Your missus after a big night
f) Dropbear?
Those damn dropbears are SO dangerous!

23. How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional four-burner barbie?
Once only...and don't even TRY to touch it if Bike Boy's cooking!

24. Can you sing along to Cold Chisel's Khe Sanh?
Only after several wines.

25. Explain both the "follow-on" and "LBW" rules in cricket and discuss the pros and cons for the third umpire decisions in the latter....
Per-leeze. Gimme a hard one. The follow on rule is where the *insert any other country here* team have to bat for two consecutive innings, because our guys made SO many runs during THEIR first innings that the other team haven't a snowflake's chance in hell of beating us, no matter how hard they try. LBW is Leg Before Wicket and that's just obvious. Isn't it? As for the 3rd umpire...oh, just Google if you don't know.

26. Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.
Beer. Esky. Ice. Sausages. Tomato sauce. Folding chair. Or in my alternate universe:
A bottle of chilled sauvignon blanc, some cevaps and chicken satays, a nice big salad, a decadent dessert and plenty of SPF30 sunscreen.

27. Who is current Australian test cricket captain:
a) Ricky Ponting
b) Don Bradman
c) John Howard
d) Makybe Diva?
Bwa-ha-ha-ha!! John Howard.....ahhh. Good one. Ponting, of course.

28. Is it best to take a sick day on:
a) When the cricket's on
b) When the cricket's on
c) When the cricket’s on?
Ooh, I'm guessing here - when the cricket's on?

29. What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle?
God knows why, but it's a polar bear.

30. What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?
A middy is something they have in states other than Victoria. (Ha! Got out of that one!)

31. What are Budgie smugglers?
Oh dear. Apparel that should not be worn by aging, pot-bellied, hairy men. At least not unless they're swimming laps at the local pool. Then it's acceptable, but don't stare, for goodness' sake. On Ian Thorpe, they look OK.

32. What brand and size of Esky will you be purchasing?
An Esky brand of course. In the largest size they make.

33. Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?
Only for about a week.

34. A "Hoppoate" is:
a) A breed of kangaroo
b) A kind of Australian "wedgie"
c) A disgraced Rugby League player?
Isn't he that rugby player....you know the finger thing?

35. What does having a 'chunder' mean?
Something most people do after the barbie where they drank rather too much beer. Also known as 'calling Ralph' (or Hughie), driving the porcelain bus and numerous other colourful terms.

36. When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing set?
I could never reach our Hill's Hoist, but Grandma's was perfect for swinging off. As long as she didn't catch you. She was scary when she was cross!

37. What does the terminology 'True Blue' mean?
Fair dinkum or dinky-di.
What? That IS an explanation.


I suspect I may be a failure.....

4 comments:

Debstar said...

LMAO I remember going to see Sherbert in a little hall in Orange around 1971. They were the best!! hehehehe

Kek said...

Ahh, Deb they WERE the best, weren't they? I had such a crush on Daryl. It used to be Garth, but what can I say? I'm fickle.

I bet they never thought the 3rd-billed support band (Dragon got 2nd billing) would ever be so huge worldwide.

Good times...

Amy said...

Boonie actually drank 52 beers on that flight :D

Kek said...

Ha! Thanks Amy, with that piece of knowledge, my life is now complete.

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