Tuesday, May 20, 2008

More mind games

Over the past 7 or 8 months, I've put in some hard work, been pretty damn good with my nutrition and I know that I've made great progress. I'm wearing smaller clothes, I'm definitely fitter, and I'm a lot less twisted and bent than I used to be. But some interesting mental stuff is happening too...

I keep having moments where I'm surprised at how I look. Just this morning, I turned a corner in the gym and caught sight of myself in a mirror way on the other side of the room. I actually stopped and stared. Do I really look like that? Where's the out of balance, over-heavy bottom half I've always had? And are my shoulders actually that wide?

You'd think that after years of training, and given how far I've come, that I'd feel super-confident. But most of the time, I've still felt not quite good enough. It's like I perceive gym-goers as belonging to one of two groups of people: the lean, fit and athletic ones; and the slightly flabby, can't-quite-keep-up, below-average types. My inner fat girl keeps classifying me in with the latter group. It's like I've tried and tried to be one of the others, but I just feel as though I'm faking it. Inside I'm still the girl who always trailed at the back in PE when the class was made to run around the footy oval.

Lately though, I see my reflection in the mirror, nod to myself in a kind of satisfied way, and feel like: Yeah, I actually belong here. Then I just get on with my workout.

That inner fat girl of mine is a lying cow - one of these days I'm going to give her SUCH a smackdown!


Cherub said...

Food and exercise are easy to change compared to the mind.

emharvie said...

That is so me right now!!! I am beginning to wonder if she ever goes away

Cheryl said...

OMG Kek that is SO me. Right now im quite full of myself as im looking the best I ever have. Im always perving at myself in the mirror but that inner fat girl tries to tell me lies..but I tell her to bugger off!
Great post!
Cheryl XXX

Unknown said...

You have just described me! I'm still surprised when I look in the mirror.

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