Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Inner Fat Girl Smackdown: Round 973

I've been cruising along nicely, enjoying my training and my food, working in some small indulgences here and there and generally feeling good about myself. Then somewhere during the last 2 weeks, something shifted. I've found myself battling to stay on track with food on the weekends - it seemed like one little treat led to another, and another.....

As well, I've felt a bit, well..... blah. It's hard to describe exactly, but there's been something causing unpleasant emotions; kind of an edgy, uncomfortable feeling, and I could NOT put my finger on what it was.

Last weekend took the cake. Actually, I didn't have cake....but there was a giant-sized muffin, plenty of wine, some antipasto, toast - I had a thing for toast - and several less-than-ideal meal choices that left me feeling bloated, a bit ill and cross at myself. I knew that part of the problem was the old being-out-of-routine trap. On weekends I do different things, go different places and am on a different time schedule to my usual orderly weekday routine. But there was something else. I've handled weekends fine in the past - I can always take a snack or two in my handbag, or pack my cooler bag if need be (I didn't).

So yesterday I did some pondering on the subject of WHY and I had an Aha! moment. For years, I was an on-off dieter. And as anyone who's done the yo-yo thing would know, when you decide to start a new diet, you feel compelled to have a last supper - a meal, a day or maybe several days where you go crazy and eat huge amounts of all the things that you think you won't be 'allowed' to have for the next however many weeks while you're on your diet.

I think that committing to a competition date has fired up this old pattern. I know, intellectually, that I'm not 'going on a diet' - my calories will be reduced some, sure, but not to starvation levels. And I will still have treat meals - I'm not forever banned from eating chocolate (Oh God, the very thought!) or having a meal out. And I really, really thought I'd erased that old pattern from my brain. But it seems brains are a bit like computers - you can delete a program and install something better, and you think that's that. But sometimes those old programs are still there on your hard drive, somewhere in the background. And if you give the computer the right sequence of instructions, that old program will fire up and start to run.... and probably cause a whole lot of problems with your other software in the process.

So when a particular situation arises (in this case: competition date set, prep about to begin), my brain looks for the appropriate response. It rummages around in the deep, dark recesses somewhere and goes AHA! ....and comes up with the old "fat girl pre-diet binge" program. And I just blindly obey the instructions coming through from my hard drive....

Huh. And I thought I was smarter than that. :o(

The good news is, when I identify one of these destructive behaviour patterns, I can usually deal with it. This time, I'm downloading something new and better and hopefully it will completely override Fat Girl 2004 Version 1.7.

7 comments:

Charlotte Orr said...

Hi Kek, I have been doing almost exactly the same thing myself the last couple of weeks, although I think I always crave more carbs as the weather gets colder. Great explanation!

Irene said...

Hi Kek, i've been doing the same thing, but Miss Liz has cracked the whip. I deserve it! Good luck with your comp prep :)

ss2306 said...

I'm hearin' ya and relating.

Mine used to be the weekend release from jail thing knowing I'd be locked up again come Monday.

Everyday I'm aiming for one step closer to be free from jail forever so I don't feel the need to go wild at all. It's a continual work in progress but we'll get there EVENTUALLY!

Kek said...

I wonder if part of my solution is to have my treats mid-week (most of the time, anyway)? Then I can't fall victim to the "it's OK, I'll get back on the wagon come Monday" mentality.

It's worth considering. It's not like I eat awful food normally anyway. Today's delights included my favourite raisin toast, a BBQ chicken pizza and a curry. Not exactly a hardship! :p

I think it always helps to know that just about everyone goes through the same 'stuff'. It's awful if you feel like you're the only one. That's why I share....

Debstar said...

Definately not the only one Kerryn. A couple of weeks back I decided I would have a go at losing a few kilos so that when I do that 10km run it might be a bit easier. Since then the eating has gone haywire.

Kimmy said...

I so hear you Kek - why do we do this - you are so right - I do think we are wired - just need some re-wiring and start moving forward. It is such a help to know that others go through the same challenges :)
Kimmy

About Me - Shar said...

HI Kek
My life has been full of last supper and starting on Monday mentality, still working on it now.
Its good you have found what was making you edgy and can deal with it.
Liz is fab and I'm sure no food will be 'banned'.
Good luck with prep and comp
Shar x

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