Friday, February 20, 2009

Confessions and accountability

I’ve been mostly neglecting my blog for quite a while now, and there’s a reason for that. A big fat, ugly reason that goes by the name of depression.

There are a few contributing factors that pushed me over the dividing line between stress and the D-word, but they’re not all that important once you’ve stepped off the edge and you’re freefalling into that big black hole. Say hello to emotional craziness, insomnia, poor memory, shortened concentration span, a very short fuse, the desire to hide from everyone, and the inability to cope with just about anything…. Fun times.

So when you can barely drag yourself through the day, or manage to remember the important stuff that has to be done, when having a shower seems like way too much trouble; then keeping up with your blog – or anyone else’s – is an impossible task.

Besides, almost every blog post I did start to write - when I could actually string a few words together - was negative, whiney cry-baby stuff, and I hate to inflict that on anybody else. Of course, the odd one might have slipped through. Sorry about that….

Anyway, the point of this post isn’t to garner sympathy, it’s all about moving forward. I could bang on about how awful it is being depressed, but what’s the point? I’m clawing my way back out of the pit now, and I’m focusing on that. There’s a lot of loose rubble along the steep slope I’m climbing, so sometimes I find myself sliding back a bit, but I am making progress.

So no more hiding. Honestly, our brains are wired very strangely. Just when you could really use the support of all the people in your life who give a rat’s, you withdraw and avoid them? What’s that about? Strange…. In the interests of accountability and seeking a little extra support (and the occasional smack around the head when I’m being stupid), I’ve decided to use my blog to document what I’m doing and how I’m feeling.

There’s a secondary reason for this – new houses are stupidly expensive, and when your construction period blows out by four or five months, it doesn't help the old bank balance at all. So we’ve made a decision to pull our financial belts in for a bit, and cut as many non-essential expenses as possible. And as a result, I’m going it alone for a while with my training. And frankly, that scares the crap out of me. The timing is not great, given my fairly fragile state, but savings need to be made and I’ve had a pretty good run of it…. My longish-term goal is to compete again in October, and I’ll be doing my prep with Liz once more, but for now, it’s all up to yours truly. *blinks*

So. That’s where I’m at. I’ll be back to record the nitty-gritty of my daily journey – maybe later today. I have a busy one coming up.


Charlotte Orr said...

You can do it Kek, just believe in yourself. Best wishes, C

ss2306 said...

You know I started my blog when I was still in my hole and having the support and friendship from all you gals really did make a difference. We don't care if you use it to whinge and whine and bitch but know that we are here for you. Probably doesn't help much but the sun will shine again soon. This period in your life is happening for a reason and you will grow and become stronger because of it. That's my story and experience anyway.

Raechelle said...

I have just gone through a similar thing over the last few weeks as well girl! And just blogged about it too-just been in a funk.
Hope you are able to pull yourself out and dust yourself off-that's what I'm working on myself...Stay strong-or cry-whatever makes you feel better in the end! ;-)

little rene said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you have been suffering like this Kek! I always read your blog and really admire your inner strength and determination (and I LOVE your culinary creations!).

Hopefully things will start improving for you soon :)

Anonymous said...

i get depression, i totally relate to all those things you talked about.

i love to hide when it stikes. isn't it awesome to hide.

hidey mchider!

you rock kek! it'll pass and you'll get there. xx

Cherub said...

Oh Kerryn, the skill of planning and perspective will return - and then you can send it my way.

I've been pretty cranky with my kids lately and I'm not sure if they deserve it or not.

Shauna said...

oh kek... thinking of you matey
hug hug hug hug xxox

Debstar said...

I'd like to give you a hand and pull you right out of that hole but because I seem to be standing perilously close to it myself I'm a little afraid I might tumble in head first.
I know you can get out on your own. You are woman, you can do it!

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