Tuesday, June 01, 2010

The weirdness that is the inside of my head

I feel as though I've been living in my own version of Bizarro World (yes, I confess; I used to love Superman comics when I was a kid...). It seems like I've been blundering around for months, doing exactly the opposite of whatever I intend to do.

If I set myself a goal, I head in the reverse direction as fast as I can. Want to increase my strength? Stay in bed and blow off training; leave those dumbbells gathering dust. Clothes a bit tight, don't like what I see in the mirror? OK then, I'll clean up my eating and drop a few kgs..... Except I find myself in the bakery at lunchtime, or cruising the confectionary aisle at the supermarket. Need to improve my mindset and haul myself out of a big, big slump? Alrighty, I'll just cut myself off from everybody who inspires me or supports my efforts and then indulge in feeling unloved and ignored.

What the HELL?

There is some weird shit going on in the darkest crevasses of my mind. But I'm doing some mental housekeeping and attempting to shine some light in there and scare the monsters away. Everyone knows that monsters are afraid of bright light... Somewhere, deep down in there are thoughts and emotions that I've been trying to ignore. Well, I've proven that ignoring them doesn't work, so I'm planning on hauling them out into the light of day, shaking the dust off and taking a good look at them.

I'm pretty sure that all the monsters are related to each other and all of them are named Fear. Fear of failure? Fear that I'm not good enough? Fear that I'll be exposed for the fraud I "really" am? I'm practising grabbing hold of any negative thoughts before they get out of control, and really examining them. If I come up with a rational response to those stupid statements, they don't have much power. I have a few other tricks up my sleeve too and I'm working on them, slowly.

Meanwhile, I need to just get on with things, no matter what the monsters are whispering in my ear. Today, I managed to shut them up at 6:00am when they told me one more day won't matter, just stay in bed; you're tired.... and I got up anyway and spent some quality time with Coach Troy. It was a minor smackdown, but it's a start.

Today will be a good day - how can it not? Any day that features a Paleo pancake has to be a winner.


KatieP said...

I was just thinking about you last night and wondering how you were doing. I missed you. ♥

Sandra said...

aaaagh Kek, that sounds so much like me! :o
I feel your frustration - you wouldn't happen to be a Cancerian, would you...?
Keep on Blogging, we're here to support you.

LizN said...

Glad to see you back, kiddo :)

Kathryn said...

Good to see you back online :) I'm sure you'll scare those monsters off.

Fifi said...

I must have written this post in my sleep. I can't remember writing it...but it's definitely ME.


Unknown said...

glad to see you back here Kerryn. it's horrible getting into a slump but you sound as though you are ready to reappear again. thankyou for the birthday wishes xx

ss2306 said...

So nice to see you back and like Katie, I missed you. I think of you often and mentioned your name today (devaju?) Always here for you, that's what friends are for. xxxxx

Unknown said...

Great to see you back! Missed you!

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