Sunday, March 25, 2012

Science with the "Duh!" factor

I receive alerts of numerous news articles on scientific studies related to health and nutrition each week. Today's lot had me rolling my eyes at the conclusions, which evidently must have been written by Captain Obvious, and wondering: Who funds this crap? I mean, seriously, why pay money to run a study for weeks or months that's going to tell you something that any five year old could tell you without conducting a year-long, double-blind, expensive study?

Like this one, which apparently concluded that privileged people are more likely to be selfish. (You don't say?) Or this one, which found that people who live alone are more likely to be depressed. (No sh*t, Sherlock?) Then there was this (which I totally lost the link to. Oops): Band musicians using shared instruments have a higher risk of contracting staph infections, warts and other nasties. Whoa! Who knew?

In an effort to save governments and businesses money, I'm willing to selflessly offer my services - for a small fee - to provide immediate and accurate results without the expense of running a tedious study to test their hypothesis. I swear, I have the almost magical power to cut through all the fluff and determine the answer.

For instance, not five minutes ago, I came up with these astounding facts:

If my food is boring, I'm more likely to go buy a chocolate muffin for morning tea. 

Or - and I'll bet this surprises you:

If it's cold and pissing rain outside, I'm more likely to pull the doona over my head at 5:30am and stay in bed than I am to go for a run. 

I know! My ability is uncanny, right?

I discussed my proposed new career as science reporter extraordinaire with Bike Boy, and he added his own contribution:

If his glass is empty, he's more likely to pour a Scotch.

Is it just us, or do others have this same incredible mind power, which all the scientists in the world seem to lack? Hit me with your own Captain Obvious observations.


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