Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Psst! Wanna buy a unicorn?

As the New Year approaches, my news feeds are filling up with desperate attempts to part people from their money by promising them the body of their dreams (and the life to match).

It used to be enough to promise weight loss, but these days it seems your sales spiel is not complete without some new-age garbage buzz-words. One of my pet hates is "wellness". Every time I see it, I just know whatever follows is going to be total bullshit. Like this:

Airley Freshface*, wellness blogger, overcame a totally made-up disease she never had by overhauling her diet. She eliminated all carbs, protein and fat, and now eats only a diet of pure, organic unicorn tears, gathered by virgins in the Himalayas at midnight under a full moon and strained through a monk's undies, before being bottled in crystal, blessed by a blind oracle and carefully shipped here. 

You too can clear your chakras and have six-pack abs, just like Airley, but only if you buy her nutrition program at the low, low price of $39.99 a month. She'll even throw in a 5ml vial of unicorn tears for free. 

Don't worry, she's totally qualified. She has a Bachelor of Health Science, specialising in Nutritional Medicine**, from a not-university that you've never heard of.

My advice to you: If the word "wellness" features in the sales pitch, run like hell. Hold onto your money, eat what you like (perhaps in slightly smaller amounts) and do something active. Brain surgery it ain't.

*Name changed to protect the guilty. And also because I don't want to be sued for defamation.

**This is apparently a real thing. Although, not...because if it was real, actual universities would be teaching it, right?


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